To Have or Not to Have: The Selfishness of Procreation

Is the act of having children an inherently selfish act, or selfless?

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I know, I get it.  It's a crappy question. You may hate me by the end of this.

And I am asking it with genuine curiosity -> so hear me out.

I think it all depends on the reasons why someone has children, and the needs of the society they are living in.

Are you doing it because without children, you feel you have no point? 

That they will help you create meaning in your life?

Are you even thinking about why you have chosen to procreate?

Because your family is pressuring you to?

Because you feel "you should"?

To get some extra dosh out of the old government?

Because if you don't, your family name may die out?

To keep your relationship with your partner going?

To keep your society going?

Why are you having them? 

What is the point? 

I am about to become an uncle.  First let me say this -> I am stoked for my brother.  He is a caring and intelligent man, and his wife is a wonderful person.  They will make great parents, and non of what I write here is to disparage their choice in life's great adventure.

AND -> This is confronting me in a new way, a feeling I had not previously experienced.  There is this growing feeling of impending loneliness and questioning of my life and its path.  It serves as a reminder that my path, my desire to connect, is increasingly reliant only on me, only on the choices and connections I choose to make.  I am not creating a child to connect with, and this choice is carving a life that looks a certain way.

Let me add a bit more flavour. 

I recently celebrated a birthday, my birthday.  Some close friends and a sprinkling of family were there.  Some of my friends are parents and they brought their children.  I had the joy of seeing a range of kids from 3 years to 11 years of age, participating in silliness, and watching their interactions.  I saw the love and care these children for their parents, and vice versa; love and care that I will never experience in that way.

My mother was also at this meal - she laughed and engaged with people, shining brightly as the social being she is.  I in that moment realized that once she is gone that I will be one of the sole vessel of her memory, and I will never have children to engage with and learn from her. (for those confused, my brother is actually my half brother, my dad's son of a second marriage).

Emotions.  Feelings.

They have been confronting, as they usually are.

Emotions and feelings are not always great markers for decision making - choosing a partner just because we are lonely, responding to an email when we are angry, not working out because we're grumpy, or being overly generous just because we feel great that day - feelings and emotions short circuit the decision making habits we all try to implement as adults and professionals.  They take the things we are trying to build, the reasons we have for doing things a certain way, and toss them aside. 

An example of the irrationality of emotions: I have a couple-friend, and one day the female in the relationship, during a particularly vulnerable discussion said to me "if I don't have kids, I won't want to live".  I was shocked, I didn't know what to say.  She said it in straight seriousness - her sole goal in life was now to become a mother.  Imagine the emotional state of a person going through that, a self-identity so dependant on the need to procreate that they would feel that life without a child of their own would not be worth living.  That a person is willing to bring something into existence, something that never asked to be here,  despite the uncertainty in the world, just so that THEY feel complete as a mother, as a person.

Totally bananas.

So, now that I have alienated at least half of you, and the other half are sitting there asking where I'm going with this, here's the question I have been tossing around in my half empty brain:

To have or not to have [children], what is more selfish?

It depends, my dear Hamlet, it depends.

It depends on the state of the person(s) and their reasons.

It depends on the state of the society and its needs.

It depends on the state of the world and whether or not we need more.

The state of the person(s)

The state of the person, and their reasons, is at the core of this review of selfishness. 

The reasons someone may choose to bring a new life into this world are complex and profound.  The heart of many people's choice to have children is a search for purpose and meaning.  Is that selfish?  No more selfish than everyone else's pursuit of meaning, you could say.  If it will bring you satisfaction and meaning, then it's worth it… right?  Right??

For some individuals the motivation is more pragmatic or future-oriented: a hope for care in their later years. The idea of having someone to look after them, to repay the care they once provided, is a powerful motivator, especially in societies where filial piety is a cornerstone of familial relationships.  Selfish?

Relationship dynamics, too, play a significant role. Children are sometimes seen as a means to save a relationship teetering on the edge of dissolution (I know a few of these relationships - do you?).  Or, less ideally, to tether someone into an ongoing relationship - . The complexities of adult relationships can sometimes lead to viewing children as both band-aids and blessings. 

At a more instinctual level, the longing to be unconditionally loved — to experience the pure, unadulterated love of a child — can fill a void in people’s hearts, providing a connection that is both elemental and profound. 

Many also see children as the continuation of their legacy, a way to perpetuate their genetics, family name, and the stories that have shaped them. It's about leaving a piece of oneself behind, a mark on the world that speaks to one's existence and beliefs.  I feel that will not happen to me, and my mother's name and memories will disappear once I do.

And the allure of creating a mini-me (not that mini-me!), someone to guide, teach, and, in some ways, control, is almost undeniable. It speaks to a basic human desire for influence and legacy.  How many parents do you know put their kids in the sports "I wanted to do when I was a kid"?

More pragmatically, in certain contexts, children are viewed through the lens of welfare handout, labor or profit potential — helpers in family businesses, caretakers in old age, continuers of family enterprises, or simply accessing more government money.

Or perhaps it's the opposite - the desire to keep one's time one's own, to not have to care for another, to be able to wake up on weekends when you please, and work only to satisfy your personal needs.  Not having children - selfish?

The state of the society.

The current state of a society, and their annual population growth rate, is to me the second consideration in whether or not having children is a selfish act or not.  Take Japan - 2023 estimate for population growth rate there is -0.41% per year - i.e. they are losing population.  Over time, if that does not turn around, would spell the end of Japanese people and culture.  Taking the view that we do not wish our society to disappear, one could call it your duty in Japan to procreate and ensure that the society keeps alive and going.  It is in fact giving to ensure continuation of that race. 

Or others at the top in the population growth list (one as high as 6.39%/year!!!).  If we consider that to keep a population stable would be about 0% growth/year (plus or minus some deviations to make up for sickness/accidental death), should those people keep having children? 

And consider that, in 2023, in Canada (where I live), the last reported child poverty rate statistic is 17.8%.  Think about that for a second; almost 2 in 10, or 1 in 5 children, in Canada, are growing up with inadequate food supply and are probably having a harder time than they should be. 

Is it perhaps better  to help children who already exist? 

Selfish?

The state of the world. 

It almost speaks for itself.  In a world where every day seems closer to economic and environmental ruin, where climate change just keeps knocking harder every year, where people's egos lead to intolerance, violence, and war, and ~1 billion children live in abject poverty without regular access to food or clean water - is having another child really the answer we are looking for? 

I'm not sure, but to me at least, it seems that the biological and social drive to procreate doesn't add up at this time. 

So what is the point here - in thinking about this, it becomes evident that the motivations are as varied as the individuals themselves. At its essence, the choice to bring a new life into this world is intertwined with our deepest desires, societal frameworks, cultural conditioning, and the broader conditions of the planet we call home.

For some people, the decision is deeply rooted in a quest for purpose or to fill a void with unconditional love and care, a testament to the human need for connection and legacy. Yet, I can't help but wonder if fulfilling our desires or adhering to societal expectations—be it to continue a family name, conform to traditional roles, or seek financial incentives—justifies the profound responsibility of nurturing a new life.

The state of our society, too, plays a crucial role. In countries facing population decline, procreation might be seen as a duty to preserve cultural identity and societal continuity; this makes sense to me. Yet, this duty is complex, posing questions in the face of societal challenges such as child poverty, which begs the question of whether our focus should shift towards uplifting the lives of those already among us.

Then there's the state of our world—seemingly teetering on the brink of environmental and social breakdowns. In an age where each additional life exerts additional pressure on our planet's resources, the decision to have children should be - must be - weighed against the backdrop of climate change, inequality, and global instability.

Is bringing a child into a world at its tipping point an act of hope or one of defiance?

Ultimately, the choice to procreate is profoundly personal yet undeniably global, influenced by a puzzle of individual desires, societal pressures, and the environmental legacy we leave to future generations. As I stand on the precipice of uncle-hood (hope that's a word), celebrating the joy of my brother's coming family while navigating my own sea of emotions and reflections, I can't help but to consider the wider implications of our choices.

In a world as interconnected and precarious as ours, perhaps the question of whether to have children is not solely a matter of personal fulfillment or societal duty, but one of thoughtful consideration of the legacy we wish to leave behind.

It's a question not just of whether we should bring life into this world, but how we intend to make that world a better place for the lives that follow, and perhaps more importantly, the lives that are here now.

Each decision ripples through the fabric of society and time, urging us to ponder not just the act of creation, but the care, stewardship, and love we owe to all beings—present and future.

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